Please, someone explain these psychotic pants to me

Please, someone explain these psychotic pants to meMay 7, 2021

You ever just stop and think about pants, man? Like, wow, pants! We all wear ’em (usually) but, what’s their deal, y’know? Specifically, I am referring to these pants, worn — and bragged about — by generic MAGA sycophant Greg Kelly during a recent meeting with former President Donald Trump.

Let’s get a closer look at the pants in question, shall we?

Computer: Enhance.

Folks … what??

Let’s be clear here. This is not a story about Greg Kelly. He is truly unimportant, both in terms of this blog, and also, like, in general. This is a blog about these absolutely psychotic pants. The zippers! The cargo pockets! The other zippers! What the absolute hell is going on at the knees? Who needs this much storage in their pants? Is Greg going on a Special Forces mission in the mountains of Afghanistan? If so, he’s got the wrong footwear for the job. And, what is the logic behind “generic country club trial member” on top, and hypebeast on bottom? It’s like one of those mix-and-match flip books for kids where you can put a penguin’s head on a gorilla’s body or something. Were these pants Lathe of Heave-ed into existence by Rob Liefeld in the throes of some horrifying fever dream?

Oh, and there’s an update, too:

While many people spent Thursday evening and Friday morning latched onto “busting my CRACKERS” — in fairness, an extremely funny thing to say — I’d like to call attention to the phrase “the most prestigious brand in PANTS.” This is poetry. This is art. This is the “cellar door” of pants-themed sentences.

Here’s something that will make you question all your life choices up to this moment: These “most prestigious” pants apparently cost $1,500. This man apparently paid almost 1.5 times as much as the average rent for a one-bedroom apartment in this country for a pair of pants that look like they belong in a steampunk anime about killing giants.

Potentially more cringe-inducing is the possibility that the trousers in question are actually cheap knock-offs priced at under a hundred bucks. Each scenario is fully embarrassing.

Yes, there are much more important things happening in the world right now. There’s a pandemic going on, and injustices to right, and causes to champion in order to make life better for ourselves and our neighbors. But sometimes it’s important to stop and find something so inconsequentially dumb, so stupefyingly unimportant, that it helps put everything else in perspective. Pants, man. Go figure.

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