March 29, 2021
There are plenty of embarrassing ways to die: on the toilet like Elvis; at a gender reveal party; under the crushing weight of a cow that literally fell off a hill, crashed through your roof, and squished you in bed. All of these are tragic and untimely ways to go, but for my money, the most embarrassing thing I can think of is having to show up at the pearly gates of heaven and explain to St. Peter that you’re there early because you were shot to death by Lindsey friggin’ Graham while he cosplayed as Rambo in the middle of a rainstorm.
Allow me to explain.
Speaking with Fox News’s Chris Wallace on Sunday, Graham emphatically defended his support for allowing private citizens to own assault rifles and large-capacity magazines, despite those types of weapons and tools’ undeniable prevalence in most modern mass shootings. He then offered this unsolicited, 100% fictional murder fantasy:
I own an AR-15. If there’s a natural disaster in South Carolina where the cops can’t protect my neighborhood, my house will be the last one that the gang will come to, because I can defend myself.
Check it out:
I mean, seriously … WHAT?
“The gang”? What gang, senator? Who is in this entirely made up gang that lives inside your head? And what sort of natural disaster do you suppose might make it impossible for the local cops to “protect” the kind of neighborhood in which a United States senator worth around $3 million would choose to live?
Does Lindsey picture himself mowing down hoards of nameless hoi polloi from a homemade sniper’s nest just off his second floor guest bedroom? What if “the gang” also has an AR-15, huh smart guy? How exactly does he imagine this post-apocalyptic showdown is gonna end?
This is not, in fact, the first time Graham has waxed philosophical about his capacity for mass murder. Shortly after the 2012 shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut, Graham appeared on NBC’s Meet The Press, exclaiming that although he already owned one AR-15, “if you deny me the right to buy another one, have you made America safer?”
For me, the only thing more embarrassing than being shot to death with a machine gun by Lindsey Graham in the rain would be being shot to death with two machine guns by Lindsey Graham in the rain. And all things being equal, I’d rather members of the United States Senate not brag about their capacity to kill people in the first place. Thanks.